Plight of Blended Families

Not your Traditional Family

To remarry or not? Is it a blessing or curse? Separation, divorce or being widowed are deeply traumatic life experiences. However, does remarriage and the resultant step-family provide solace and companionship?

Step-family, blended family, combined family, or whatever one chooses to call it, is WORK! At face value, remarriage may be a fantasy, but the realities of being in a step-family life are a world apart.

Maina lost his wife of 33 years, Nyambura to what the doctors said was senile dementia. That was 12 years ago. With her death, the numerous hospital visits ended abruptly. Supporting a terminally ill patient subjected his family to immense emotional and financial strain.

Maina’s firstborn daughter, Wangari was attending her fifth counseling session to help improve her sense of well‐being, alleviate distress and resolve internal crises, resulting from her dad’s remarriage.

She describes a painful memory of when her mum’s health deteriorated making her hostile to caregivers, unresponsive and uncooperative to all forms of therapy. Prolonged sickness has a way of defying logic. Wangari chokes with emotion as her mind is fixated on an image only she can see and describe.

Tears freely flowed at Nyambura’s funeral, especially considering her feat of raising eight children (two daughters and six sons) and being married to a clergyman, for 33 years. Such a huge contrast to the y-generation who splash social media with celebrations of bearing two children and reaching five years in marriage.

Three years after her demise, life circumstances pushed the bereaved and lonely Maina to break his promise of not remarrying. With the baggage of his first marriage and eight children, getting married again was a tricky balance and decision. Which woman would take over his eight children? Rather, would his eight children easily accept a replacement of their mother, even if she came with angelic appearance, voice or mannerisms?

Whispers of Step-mum

Strange and awkward, but a Prophetess named Temi, from Zimbambwe or God knows where, popped into life as a matchmaker between Wangari’s step-mum and dad. Temi was a close friend and prayer partner to their soon-to-be step-mum, Nkirote. She claimed spiritual authority and told of lofty things than none could fathom. As soon as the marriage talks began, Prophetess Temi swiftly vanished like fleeting wind, having dutifully executed her cupid role.

Nkirote is light-skinned, has a broad face and nose, a replica of their mum in some sense. What stands out is her long and dark natural hair.

She hadn’t been married before but has a son born in the experimenting teenage years. More to it, she was aloof most times and spoke few words. While Wangari and her siblings were from the Kikuyu tribe, Nkirote came from the farming communities of Meru, on the slopes of Mt. Kenya.

With this sneaky entry into the family, the eight of children could only talk in whispers when at home, when on the road, when going to bed and when waking up. One family meeting Wangari freshly narrates about, is when their dad invited their grandpa and a mix aunties, uncles and cousins to socialize the idea of his remarriage.

Every speaker at the meeting lauded the decision to remarry, except Maina’s children who spoke in agreement, not to appear different. It was clear in that hushed meeting, that the remarriage was a gain for two adults but a loss for the children.

Wangari vividly recalls her departed grandpa (God rest his soul) was first to speak on that awkward afternoon of August 2010. He informed them that their dad had broached the idea or remarriage with him. What they will never know is the kind of counsel and guidance he gave him, especially with their grandpa himself staying away from remarriage two decades after his wife passed away!

Catholic priests too, officiate weddings yet they’ve never experienced one. Did the remarriage necessitate counselling for Maina’s children? May be yes, may be no. Looking back, Wangari’s palpable emotions reveal her real struggles in coping with her dad’s remarriage.

With Maina and Nkirote being over 55 years old, their marriage was bound for a bumpy ride. Nkirote brought with her a 40 year old son, who was older than Wangari. At the time of their wedding, Maina’s last born child was 20 years old while seven of his other children were married or had children. Nkirote joined a family with adult children.

Nine Odd Years

It’s been nine years since Maina and Nkirote said ‘I do’. Three amazing things are a cause of distress to Wangari. First, their dad found a companion in his old age, a blessing with a double edge. Before Nkirote checked in, Maina had been battling mild bouts of diabetes and hypertension. Both conditions were incognito when Nyambura was alive.

In Wangari’s maladaptive thinking, she sees Nyambura’s death or Nkirote’s entry as the pressure that pealed off the last covering on his soft underbelly, and exposed her dad to the vagaries of disease.

In strange ways, this new companionship become a wedge between Maina and his biological children. At various times, their dad would be caught up between his children and Nkirote. Unfortunately, their step-mum mostly bore the brunt of their dad’s rant. Blood is thicker than water, they say!

At the time of their union, three of Wangari’s married siblings and their families were living at their dad’s rented premises, next to his house. In a span of three years, each sibling had left the premises in a huff, with their own rendition of who kicked them out and why. A hen kicks out her babies out of the nest in the same fashion. With this pacesetter, Nkirote marked her territory as a suitable companion to their dad, but an unwelcome intruder to the his biological children.

Secondly, Wangari’s mind is stuck on some odd similarities between their mum and step-mum. Either, both mums were cut from the same rock or being married to the same man results in similar outcomes. Their dad and both mums disagreed on anything and everything. Although with no shouting matches, there would be sustained periods of awkwardness where their mum (standing) would say one thing and their dad (seated) would vehemently counter it.

Both mums didn’t have many friends. While their mum belonged to the witty and genius clout, her friends were drawn from the mentally disturbed community. On the other hand, their step-mum’s friends were a faceless category of prayer partners and intercessors. Wangari says they are faceless because their step-mum has never brought even one home!

Nkirote and her friends are fanatic followers of the American Evangelist, Dr. Morris Cerullo. She is a deeply spiritual woman who applauds anything spiritual and castigates anything she deems carnal.

Thirdly, blended families don’t just cook a step-family. Wangari says that most people think the way to “cook” a step-family is with a blender (“blended family”), microwave or pressure cooker. True or not?

All of these “cooking styles” attempt to combine the family ingredients in a rapid fashion. Unfortunately, resentment, distress and frustration have been the only results. She says that her dad counts nearly all his fingers and toes, on the number of times their step-mum has walked out on him, in the last nine years.

A pressure cooker mentality was perhaps how this step-family was forced into being. Or was it the blender mentality that assumed that all the nine children and their consenting parents will love each other to the same degree. This set up the step-family to some subtle chaos and conflict, that resulted in some children being creamed and watching things like bystanders, from a safe distance.

It is said average step-family takes 5-7 years to combine; some like Wangari’s seem to take longer. Wangari can tell story from the windward side of receiving a step-mum, since their interactions with their step-brother is minimal and extremely mundane.

Love and Remarriage

In their remarriage, Maina and Nkirote brought with them personal, cultural and relational baggages from the past. These continue to shape and haunt their marriage. Having adult children who people think are “low maintenance”, deepens this complication.

Susan Kelley, in her Married with Children theme song wrote, ‘Love and marriage may go together like a horse and carriage, but love and remarriage aren’t as neatly complementary. The carriage may be so crowded that the horse has trouble pulling it.’

Maina and Nkirote are but a unit in the universe of step-families. Listening to Wangari reminds that Jesus too was raised by a step-father. But the question that cultures and generations will need to un-mute is whether, remarriage is a blessing or a curse?

Views expressed in this article are my own

Joseph Ngaara is inspired by people’s life experiences. Do you have a intriguing life story and need a ghost writer? Email: j.mungai@hotmail.co.uk